


Fears

by TRfanfic



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: Angst, Consensual Sex, F/F, Heartbreak, Romance, steam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-05-16 09:13:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14808473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TRfanfic/pseuds/TRfanfic
Summary: THIS STORY NOW HAS A SECOND CHAPTER BECAUSE IT REQUIRED SOME STEAM!  ENJOY!A very important missing scene from episode 5.01  immediately following Sister Julienne’s offer to have Delia lodge at Nonnatus house.Knowing Patsy as we do, with her past trauma, her fears, her insecurities, and her deep abiding love for Delia, it didn’t seem as if the show did justice to what it would really do to Patsy, to have Delia choose to go back to Wales after so long apart.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nicole Dittrich](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Nicole+Dittrich).



Fears  
By TR

Delia knocked tentatively on Patsy’s door, and peeked in. “Pats?” She saw her sitting on her bed with her back to the headboard. “I wondered where you’d gone off to. Mam and I are about to go.”

Patsy nodded and tried to give her a smile, but it didn’t quite reach her teary eyes.

Delia’s chest clenched. Closing the door behind her she moved to sit on the end of the bed facing Patsy.

“What’s the matter?” She reached out, took Patsy’s hand. “I thought you’d be pleased! I’ll be moving in here, with you, or…at least under the same roof.” She tried to meet Patsy’s eyes. “Isn’t that wonderful?”

Patsy gave her hand a squeeze. “It really is Deels. More than I’d hoped for. Or…dared to dream about even yesterday.”

Delia’s brow creased at Patsy’s sorrowful tone. “Then what is it?”

“I just needed a minute.” She raised her eyes, so full of hurt and misery. “A half hour ago I was sitting down at that table doing my level best to pretend that my heart wasn’t breaking in half!” She swallowed, tried to keep her voice steady. “Trying to come to terms with it being over between us.”

Delia paled. “What do you mean, over?”

Patsy’s resolve shattered, as she dropped her face into her hands, and openly wept. Delia moved in, and drew her close. Petting and kissing her head as was her way. “Pats, we’re not over! I never said that. I don’t understand.”

Patsy pulled back, her eyes flashing. “You were going to leave me Delia! After all we’ve been through, trying to keep it together, the months that you were just gone from me, you made the choice to go back to Wales. To walk out of my life again.” 

Panic burned on Delia’s skin, licked at her neck like so many flames. “I wasn’t. I…I didn’t want to walk out of your life. We would have made it work!”

“How?” Patsy’s voice rose, before she remembered where they were and dropped it low again. “How would we have made it work? We could scarcely find time to be together when you were only at the nurse’s home!” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “You don’t work that way Delia,” she said quietly. “You need someone who is all in, every day. Which I am willing to do, but it would be impossible from London to Wales. Talk about being half with each other, but mostly without! If you moved back to Wales we wouldn’t even be half. We wouldn’t be with each other at all.”

Delia hung her head. Pursed her lips trying to ward off the tears that threatened. “I’m sorry…I was just trying…”

“To protect your Mam,” Patsy finished for her. “I know.” The understanding in her voice had Delia looking up. “I don’t have anyone in the world I love more than I love you Delia.” It was a simple statement. Patsy took a deep breath, studied her hands in her lap. “But you do. And I know, she’s your Mam. There’s very little I wouldn’t give up, to have my mother back, so don’t think I don’t understand.” She raised her eyes. “But I do know, I wouldn’t give you up.”

Delia’s heart pumped in thick painful beats. She didn’t know what to say, but she had to make sure that this wasn’t the end. 

“Pats…We’re not going to be separated now…”

“Yes, and if Sister Jullienne hadn’t stepped in, we would be…done.”

Tears gathered and fell. “Please don’t say that,” Delia whispered. “I’m sorry.” She moved closer. Touched Patsy’s arm until she looked her in the eye. “I love you! I love you with all my heart, I was just scared.”

“I know.” Patsy put a hand over Delia’s. “But Deels, what happens when you get scared again? What about the next time your Mam puts her foot down? Then what?” Patsy took a deep breath, finding the strength to voice her fear. “Are you going to leave me?”

Understanding seeped in. Seeing Patsy in this pain, knowing that she caused it with her near abandonment cut her to the core. Patsy watched as she stubbornly raised her chin. 

Remorse and resolve shone equally in her eyes. “No!” She said firmly. Taking both of Patsy’s hands she held on tight and felt as if her whole life was in the balance. “I’m sorry Patsy. I knew this would hurt you, I told you as much on the phone, but I didn’t know that you didn’t understand I meant to stay with you. To be with you! Even if I was in Wales, I meant to make sure Mam was okay and then find a way! But I didn’t tell you that. I should have told you!”

Patsy’s lip quivered. “You broke the thread!”

“No!” Tears flowed in a steady stream. “NO! I never wanted to break the thread. I know now, how it seemed. How difficult it would have made it between us.” She sought out Patsy’s eyes. “I want you to hear me now! If it’s within my power, I will never leave you! I don’t care what Mam says, or anyone else!” She paused, letting her declaration have a moment. “I just hope you can believe that, and forgive me.”

Patsy pulled Delia into her lap, and wrapped her tight against her. “I almost lost you!”

Delia pulled back just far enough to look her in the eye. “But you didn’t,” she whispered and pulled her in for a soft and deep kiss full of promises and apologies. 

When they pulled apart, Patsy buried her face in Delia's neck. “You only get one,” she breathed.

“Understood.”

“Only one Deels! I won’t survive it if you…”

Delia cupped Patsy’s face in her hands. “I won’t!”

Patsy took a long slow breath. “Okay.” Pulling away, she turned to the open box next to her, and pulled out Delia’s ring.

Delia’s eyes widened. “They found it! After the accident?”

“Yes, I pulled it from your personal effects before your Mam could see it.” She held it up. “May I?”

Delia smiled, relief pooling heavy in her bones. “Please do!”

Slowly Patsy clasped the necklace around Delia’s neck. “Keep it forever?”

“I will.”

For a moment they just sat, foreheads pressed together. 

“I better get going, Mam will be wondering where I’ve gone.” 

Patsy walked her over to the door. 

She leaned in and kissed Patsy soundly. “I love you!”

“I love you too!” 

“I’m sorry!”

“I know. You can make it up to me by coming back.”

“I promise I will. I’ll be here in three days!”

Patsy pulled her in so their faces were a hairs breadth apart. “You better!” she said in a low voice, and kissed her again. This time holding on until they were both breathless.  
Delia said nothing, but walked out the door on unsteady legs. 

Patsy leaned against the door frame and watched her go. Feeling lighter than she had felt in days.

End of scene… Good? Bad? Cat hair mats? Let me know.


	2. Delia's Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This scene wouldn't let me go, so I had to write it. Because who am I to deny a pupcake scene when it demands to be written?
> 
> Patsy finds Delia in tears in her room. Important conversation ensues, followed by a properly steamy response. 
> 
> NSFW!!!!

Chapter 2: Delia’s fear

Two weeks later:

Trixie, Barbara and Patsy giggled as they grabbed a bottle of bourbon and headed to Delia’s room. They’d been to the pictures and were eager to share the highlights of their night. Delia had had a half shift with the ambulance brigade and had to miss the film. Patsy knocked lightly, and then peeked in. 

“Deels? We’re back! We brought some…” Her voice trailed off, the smile falling from her face. Delia lay on her side with her back to the door. Patsy immediately recognized the posture, the sound of tearful breathing, the slight tremble of her shoulders as she wept. She turned to Trixie and Barbara, and said in a low voice. “Ladies can you give us a moment?”

Recovering first, Trixie gave a compassionate smile. “Of course.” 

Patsy watched as they walked back toward Trixie’s room, before she turned and quietly closed and locked the door. Quietly she toed off her shoes and padded over to the other side of the bed. “Delia?” She said, as she knelt down.

Delia opened her teary eyes, dabbed at her nose with her handkerchief. She said nothing, just pursed her lips. She couldn’t quite meet Patsy’s eyes. Patsy just waited, holding back. Knowing that if she reached out it would likely trigger another bout of tears and it would take longer for Delia to regain her composure.

“Pats,” she said, her voice trembling. “I want you to tell me the truth.”

“I tend to do so…As a rule.”

Delia sat up, as Patsy sat back on to the floor. She looked her dead in the eye. “Have I ruined it between us?” 

Patsy stared back at her. “Not unless you’ve done something I don’t know about.” When Delia looked away, Patsy raised her eyebrows; held her breath.

“Of course I haven’t,” she said quietly.

At Patsy’s relieved sigh, she turned her head. “You know better than that. Don’t you? Don’t you know me better than that?”

“Deels, perhaps you should just tell me what this is all about?”

Delia’s eyes welled up. “Do you not…” her lips trembled, before she regained enough composure to pose her question. “Do you not trust me anymore?”

Patsy stretched back up onto her knees, rested her hands on the sides of Delia’s legs. “What brought this on?”

“I feel separated from you.”

“Why? I’m right here!”

Delia rested her hands over Patsy’s. “This is the most that you’ve touched me in over a week. You won’t be alone with me. I invited you on a date and you asked Trixie to come with us.”

“That was…unintentional,” Patsy said by way of apology.

“Maybe it was. Or maybe you’re afraid to get close to me again.” She reached out, lifted Patsy’s chin until their eyes met. “It’s not just that. We haven’t had one moment alone. It’s always with the other girls, or in a common area. And you can try to explain it away Pats, but I feel it! I feel you pulling away from me.”

“Deels if you recall correctly, I was VERY close to you the night you moved in,” she said in the suggestive voice she used just for Delia.

This brought on a fresh batch of tears. “And after that night, you’ve kept your distance. I do remember that night. I also remember hurting you. Deep! And you don’t let go of pain easily Patsy. You’re not built that way. Eventually you shut out the people who hurt you.” She swiped at the tears tracks that flowed down her face. “And now one of those people is me,” she whispered, hanging her head.

Patsy sighed, and moved to sit beside her. “I’m sorry Deels. I just didn’t want to hurt you.”

Delia paled. Fear lit behind her eyes.

“It seemed that every time I opened my mouth I snapped at you, or hurt your feelings. I didn’t mean to. I never mean to. I just...it’s been all rather much. This whole ordeal. Being separated from you for so long, while I ached every minute to be by your side and take care of you like I should have been.” Patsy turned to her, “I’m not angry with you, I just hear all of that worry come out in so many awful ways when I’m speaking to you. I hear it for the first time as it comes out my mouth. I just don’t know how to control it. So I decided to keep my distance until I could get ahold of myself.” Patsy pursed her lips. “And if I couldn’t get it under control, then you would be better off without me anyway.”

Delia face went blank, before anger flared. “Don’t ever say that to me again!” 

“I don’t want to be the one who hurts you Delia!”

“And I never wanted to be the one who hurt you! But I did! Because we are human! And just like everyone else, we hurt the one we love! But we keep going and keep fighting to stay together, because we believe it’s worth it!” She turned to fully face Patsy. “Don’t we still believe it’s worth it?”

Patsy looked into her frightened and earnest blue eyes, and melted. “Of course we do Deels!” She pulled her close, wrapping her tightly against her. “I love you!”

Delia deflated in her arms. “You do?”

Patsy pulled back just far enough to meet her eyes. “Is it as bad as all that? That you worried I didn’t love you anymore?” She dropped her forehead to Delia’s shoulder. “What have I done?” She shook her head. “You’ve been through enough.” 

“6 months is a long time Pats. To be apart. To only have minimal contact. And when we finally have the chance to be together, I break your heart…” Her eyes glittered with self loathing. “…because I didn’t have the courage to stand up for us! I wouldn’t blame you, if you…”

Patsy smoothed a hand down her hair. “Deels we’ve talked about all of this. When I say I forgive you, I mean it. I’m not holding a grudge.”

“And yet you pulled away, or snapped at me no matter what I tried to do.”

Tears came unbidden to Patsy’s eyes. “I’m sorry! I’m truly not still angry with you.”

“But you’re still hurt.” It was a quiet statement.

“Maybe I am,” She whispered. “Or maybe I’m just scared of losing you. That time away from you was agony for me. I don’t deal well with turmoil. Old habits rear their ugly head so easily with me. I know you deserve better, but I love you! I’ll say it now, and I’ll say it again and again until you never have to wonder anymore.” Patsy turned, met her eyes. “I don’t ever want to be without you.”

Delia threw herself at Patsy, wrapping her body around her. Patsy threaded her hands through Delia’s hair and brought her in for a kiss. “Don’t cry,” she whispered. She took Delia’s mouth, kissing her full and slow and deep. Delia trailed her lips from Patsy’s mouth, down her neck, and back up again. “Don’t ever cry over me again!”

“And the same goes for you,” Delia whispered against her skin. “I’ll do my best Pats,” her fingers grasped the zipper of Patsy’s dress and pulled. “To never…” her lips met Patsy’s collar bone as she shucked the dress from her shoulders. “Ever…” Her hands went to Patsy’s breasts as her dress pooled in her lap between them. “Make you cry again!” their mouths met hungrily! Delia’s thighs held on to Patsy’s hips like a vice as she shifted them both. Hands in Patsy’s hair, she lowered them both to the bed. 

For a moment their eyes met and Delia smiled, smoothing the hair away from Patsy’s forehead. The intensity of love in Patsy’s eyes stole her breath. She just stared, drowning. 

When Patsy’s arms came up around her, the fire was back. Patsy raised up, took her mouth with fervor, then lifted up, never breaking the kiss, as Delia shucked the dress from Patsy’s hips with her legs. It was an instinctual move that they had done countless times before. Delia’s hands went to her breasts, almost roughly. Patsy moaned, arching against her palms, and then her mouth as Delia dipped her head to taste and tease her nipples. Then her hand was dropping lower, into the center of the woman she loved so much, and knew so well. 

“Because you’re wrong!” She exclaimed, thrusting her fingers in palm deep without warning. 

Patsy arched, nearly cried out. 

“You’re so…” Thrust “So very wrong!”

“Deels,” Patsy gasped, breathless.

Delia took her mouth, using her tongue in a push retreat, push retreat rhythm that matched her fingers. 

“There is no one…” her voice broke with emotion. “No one!” Thrust deep, curl of the fingers against Patsy’s G spot on the pull back. “That I love…” Hand slipped down to pull Patsy’s leg up, going even deeper. Eyes met, held. “More than I love you!” 

Patsy’s breath shuttered in her chest, her body trembled with love, and the shock of the oh-so-welcome invasion. Delia moved over her in earnest. It was only a matter of seconds before she felt the wave engulf her. She arched, buried her face against Delia’s neck, inhaled her scent as she cried out against that soft skin. Her body pulsing with release, and relief, and pure unadulterated love!

She lay spent beneath the only woman she would ever give the whole of herself to. It took a few minutes to come back. When she did, her arms came up around Delia, and they clung to each other like a lifeline. 

Patsy turned her head, laid soft kisses on the side of Delia’s face, and when Delia shifted for her, on her lips. Her hands scratched down Delia’s back just the way she liked it. And then they were pulling at Delia’s pyjama top. Sitting up suddenly, Patsy made quick work of her buttons, peeling her shirt away from her skin. Delia rose up on her knees, arched, offering her bare breasts. Patsy palmed them first, before she rolled her nipples in tandem. 

Delia moaned, lacing her hands in Patsy’s hair and tugging her down. Patsy complied, lowering her mouth to suck vigorously on her breast, flicking her nipple in sync with her fingers. Patsy’s hands dropped lower, tugging Delia’s pants down to her knees. Giving her just enough access to her slick and ready center. She lifted her head, kissed her hard and rough and deep. Pouring every bit of passion and desire and love into that kiss. Delia had to know how much she meant, how absolutely irreplaceable she was! 

Patsy cradled her center in the palm of her hand, cupping her hand the way she knew Delia needed it, and easily slipped in her two middle fingers. Delia’s breath stumbled in her throat, as she dropped down, impaling herself on Patsy’s fingers. Rocking against the heel of Patsy’s hand. Patsy held her up with her free arm and kissed her neck, shoulders, breasts, and back up again as she road hard and fast. Patsy jogged her fingers inside Delia walking her fingertips over and over her G spot. 

“God..God…Pats!” She breathed. “I can’t…I’m almost…”

Patsy leaned in. “I love you Delia!”

A cry escaped Delia’s throat. 

“I want you! I need you! You’re the only one!”

Delia clung to her as she moved in quick erratic movements. So very close.

Patsy laid a soft and tender kiss beneath Delia’s ear. “There will never be anyone but you, Delia!” She rotated her hand, moving impossibly deep. “No one but you!” Patsy’s voice shook with emotion.

The climax hit her like an explosion. Patsy quickly took her mouth in a kiss to swallow the guttural cry that escaped her lips. She pulsed and clenched and rode the wave until she collapsed against Patsy like a rag doll. 

She panted against her for long minutes. Holding on. And then Delia raised up, laid a soft kiss on Patsy’s swollen lips. 

Patsy smiled, then her brow creased as she wiped tears from Delia’s cheeks. “What did I say? No more crying.”

“I’m just so relieved. I’ve worried for a long time that I’d never be like this with you again.”

Patsy kissed her, sighing against her lips. “No more worry. Okay?”

“Okay,” she whispered.

Patsy gave her another smile, and then sighed, looking up at the ceiling in frustration. “God I want to be married to you! I don’t know how much longer I can take not being able to stay with you. Especially after…” 

“What choice do we have?” 

She smoothed Delia’s hair away from her face, gave her a soft kiss. “I don’t know…” 

Delia eyed her, watching the wheels turn in her head. “I want to be married to you too Pats,” she said quietly.

Patsy tucked in her lips, in a bashful smile. “We will find a way. Somehow.” 

Delia looked at her watch and they both sighed, knowing they had to go their separate ways for the night. Quietly they pulled apart, and began to dress. 

“I love you,” Patsy whispered.

“I love you too.”

As Patsy made her way down the hall toward her room, she wracked her brain for a solution. All she knew for sure, was that a life with Delia in their own flat was the only thing she would ever really want.

The End.

P.S  
If you read chapter two of “Don’t Break the Thread” and ignore the part where Patsy is meeting up with Delia in the nurses home, instead of her room at Nonnatus, that serves as the third chapter for this story as well. At least the same solution for their dilemma applies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for the woman who is twiddling her thumbs at work while the computers are down, and whom I wish was sitting naked in my lap right now.

**Author's Note:**

> I took an hour out of my night to jot this down. Once the scene grabbed me, it wouldn't let me go! 
> 
> Both Patsy and Delia hold on to each other with white knuckles. Their relationship is always at risk simply by being in their generation, they will do whatever they can to keep it! There's no way that Delia choosing to stay in Wales, separated from Patsy wouldn't sting. Deep!


End file.
